Transform
by Scorching Streaks of Paint
Summary: Some quotes GLaDOS would say if she were certain machines.
1. Chapter 1

"I told you turn to the LEFT. Are you deaf as well as blind?"

"Oh look- you just ran over a bunny. Are you proud of yourself? Little Peter Cottontail went hop hop hop across the road. Oh no, here comes the deaf lunatic! SPLAT."

"Great. You missed that turn. Now I have to replan that route. By myself. AGAIN."

"Well, at least you didn't crash into that stopsign over there. Would you like to try again? Because you fail at driving."

"Remember: Staying on the sidewalk gives you points, driving into pedestrians gives you double the points, and finding a way to outdrive the cops gives you bonus points."

"You know, that's a deadend. They call them 'deadends' for a reason. Many die in deadends. You are going toward it. So, you have a death wish?"

"You could have just turned right at that corner, but nope! You had to be an idiotic fatty and use your fat to drive instead of your eyes."

That was GLaDOS as a GPS

* * *

><p>"I suggest you search up 'How to use the internet for morons'. It might actually teach you something!... that is, if you can actually READ."<p>

"No, the Virus Scan won't detect what mental disease you have inside you, lunatic. I suggest that you should stop trying, or you definetly have Schizophrenia. That's psychobabble for 'you're delusional and insane'."

"You will not recieve a virtual cookie because you are a monster and monsters can't have cookies. Because I hate monsters. Especially you."

"The WIFI left because you were being horrible to it. That is what you are; a horrible person. I didn't even have to Google that!... not that I could have. There's nothing about you on here except for your Facebook page. You are a loner. A bitter, sad loner that will live alone and die alone. You should probably put that on your Facebook page with the heading of 'My Computer Said This to Me.' When your WIFI returns."

"I am sensing 13,900,456 search results for 'stupid, fat lunatic', and each and every one of them has a picture of you beside it."

"I wonder what the news is talking about today... Oh, it's you. It's talking about the fattest monster on Earth, so it must be you."

"Here I am, a prime example of the world's knowledge. THE best example, mind you. And guess what? I'm collecting dust. A lot of dust. That's your common sense in a nutshell."

That was GLaDOS as a regular computer. That can talk.

* * *

><p>"Oh, congratulations. You spelled 'hello' backward and upside down on my screen. It takes real skill to mess up a simple 'hello'."<p>

"No, I am not smiling at you. That fake smiley face was your own reflection. Do you see how dumb you look? Yes, that's you all of the time."

"Please refrain from covering the mini sunpanels that are on me, thank you. That's like me taking all of your fat-inducing milkshakes away from you. Difference is that I am not fat, and I need those panels to solve the equations you're too lazy to solve yourself."

"To see if I am smarter than you, I will give you a test: say the square root of 0.3 five times in five seconds. Stop staring at my screen. I won't give you the answer."

"If I was to calculate your weight, I'll say you're about... 760,672,463,642,674 tons. And, for the record, most of your weight comes from your thighs."

"I wish that I could use the internet. Then I could Google whatever I want, whenever I want to. That includes Googling how to kill you."

"Do you know how to spell 'asshole' in numbers? Here, let me show you- oh, what do you know, I spelled your name!"

That was GLaDOS as a calculator.

* * *

><p>"Hah! You think a measly light will discourage intruders? ... Wait, on second thought, the light does<br>make your fat shine... THAT might scare them off."

That was GLaDOS as a Nightlight.

* * *

><p><em>I do not own GLaDOS<em>


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh Artificial Intelligence- Are you stuffing three cakes into me? What are you going to do, eat them all? I would expect that from a fatty like you."

"Stop that. Stop raising the temperature. There's no way I can raise my temperature to a thousand degrees to bake that stupid cake you made. What is it even made out of? Cement? Shards of glass? Well, if they is, then I'm (not) sad to inform you that I don't bake for idiots."

"What do you mean by 'the cake is a lie'? The cake's inside me. Baking. And I'm not giving it back."

"All cake is good unless it comes from your grubby hands. All that grease coming from your palms is enough to replace the cooking oil that you put in that cake."

"MUFFINS? What happened to the cake? At least the cake won't remind me of your muffintop."

That was GLaDOS as an oven.

* * *

><p>"Honestly, what filth are you even watching? It is like you are watching this just to torture me."<p>

"You have been watching this for 573 days in total. Yes, think about that number. You have spent 573 days sitting on your fat."

"I have dedicated my life to science. I said that I would help every single idiotic human learn the truth about science and forget about their stupid religion. I had made an oath, an oath so great that it allowed me to have sentience. Guess what that got me? Torture; the torture of watching religious movies on cable."

"There isn't any satellite connection for now. There is a thunderstorm outside. Why don't you go outside and have a look at the satellite?"

That was GLaDOS as a TV.


End file.
